The First Lawyer of Thermodynamics

or how to be a better person

May 2021

All the world's problems are caused by the laws of thermodynamics. I'm serious! This is not just some analysis piece on climate change [although it could be], and it definitely [kinda] isn't a joke. It's certainly not an excuse, defence, or justification for wrongdoing; maybe more of a rationalisation... I guess it's me trying to make sense of the confusing world around me.

I grew up in Australia, in a small city - or a large town depending on who you ask. Small enough that you run out of things to do except drink, but big enough that you can have enough fun doing so. My college years were indexed by the parties that I attended, and occasionally hosted.

The magical thing about boring towns is that you almost know everyone you don't know. So when someone shows up to a party unannounced the odds are you've at least heard of who they are. Their reputation and rumours precede them. To this day I am still undecided whether this is a good or a bad thing.

But before I go any further; FLASHBACK TO HIGHSCHOOL SCIENCE CLASS!

The first law of thermodynamics is the Conservation of Energy. Energy cannot be created nor destroyed, merely transformed. What goes in must come out...

The second law of thermodynamics stipulates that: interactions of isolated systems naturally result in a net increase in entropy... or in simpler terms: CHAOS REIGNS SUPREME!

Everything comes down to these two laws. Everything in the universe. Nothing else matters. So what does Year 10 physics have to do with becoming a better person? Simple. The laws of nature form the basis for the laws of society - and understanding one helps you to appreciate the other.

~~~
My story begins at a party with the arrival of an uninvited guest. According to Tolstoy all great stories boil down to 'a journey' or 'a stranger coming to town'. If I had to pick, I'd say this falls into the latter. Though I'd argue that they are one and the same, merely told from different perspectives.

The gatecrasher wasn't a total stranger, more of an acquaintance I didn't know very well. He had heard about the party from some other guests and tagged along. Frankly, he wasn't invited because he acted weird around my friends. There really wasn't much else to go off at the time, I was blatantly judging a book by its cover.

He'd come all this way already; would it be mean to single him out and turn him away? Oh no he's already inside. Ahhhh what's the worst that could happen? I figured that he wasn't worth the trouble. I could just ignore him and carry on being merry. It's funny what a couple of drinks does to your sense of judgement.

Chemicals can do all sorts of crazy things - like keeping you alive, or causing EXPLOSIONS!! It's strange to think that it's the same chemical reaction responsible for both. [Organic Combustion: Hydrocarbons + Oxygen => Water + Carbon Dioxide + ENERGY]. Chemistry is just applied physics after all, and chemicals are good law-abiding citizens too. I suppose the only difference between us and coal-fired power plants is that we get taxed more :)

Alcohol in particular is a peculiar chemical. Once you consume it, it bounces around your system messing up bodily functions wherever it goes, before finally getting metabolised. This is exacerbated by the fact that it's inconsistent; affecting different people in different ways on different days.

Unfortunately that party was what you might consider a BAD day. When you're young and dumb drinking games are all the rage. Injecting elements of chance and competition is a sure-fire way to get everyone drunk. For anyone cultured enough to be unaware of the game Wizard Sticks here's how you play:

1 - Buy the cheapest tinnies at your local bottleshop [quantity over quality]
2 - Get one roll of duct tape for each player
3 - Tape every new can of beer on top of your last empty one before you drink it, gradually creating an unwieldly metal pole that you carry around with you as your 'staff' for the rest of the night. Continue until you pass out, consume your height in beer, or have adequately compensated for whatever you were drinking about in the first place
4 - Wizard attire optional

The gatecrasher immediately looked down on us 'wizards' with disdain. He carried himself with an air of superiority, as if his silver-spoon private school persona was too pure to participate in such barbaric games. Yet that same pretentiousness didn't seem to preclude him from pouring shots for the girls. It bugged me more than it should have, so I turned away and resumed attaching my 4th can.

Not long thereafter everyone was mad crunk. The ice was broken, and all our worries were thrown to the wind. The house was full of euphoric, carefree adolescents - if only that moment could have lasted forever. But it was the calm before the storm. After that night parties would never be the same again.

~~~
Living organisms are really complex chemical reactors. Biology is just applied chemistry after all. We need fuel to provide energy to gather more fuel to produce more energy for us to live. Consuming enough energy to maintain homeostasis is literally a matter of life and death.

In the thousands of years before we could buy 24 nuggets from the drivethru, humans had to hunt and gather for food. This instinct is baked into our DNA. Our ancestors spent significant amounts of energy just stayin' alive, with little left over to thrive. Yet as food production became more efficient and secure, humans found the time and energy to focus on greater things.

For the most part this is good. The problem is that evolution didn't keep up. In modern times, humans don't need to gorge themselves to stockpile energy. Yet the temptation is still there; sugar tastes great because it's an incredibly easy source of calories. We need to be taught to actively restrain ourselves because you CAN have too much of a good thing.

AAAANDDD all logic goes out the window when you're drunk!

When adrenaline pumps through your veins, your mind and body are numb to pain; invincible as your instincts take over, drink more lest you become sober! As you can guess, this is a recipe for disaster. It's a fallacy [that I am guilty of] to assume that drinking more will have an additive linear effect.

Sometime during my 5th can, the wizards began having 'magical duels'. Everyone cheered on as Gandalf the Grey Goose swung his 9 can stick at the Smirnoff Double Black Mage. Everyone except for the gatecrasher that is. He stood in the back muttering about how stupid the whole ordeal was, making sassy faux-queer remarks about their masculinity.

I began to wonder why he couldn't just enjoy the moment like the rest of us? But the thought was over before it began; with a crash and a boom Gandalf fell onto a table spilling drinks everywhere. The Black Mage helped his opponent to his feet and was promptly heralded as the victor. The celebration was short and sweet, and in the blink of an eye the guests were back to their own business.

Conflict is as old as human history itself. The 'fight or flight' response is hardwired into our brains as a way to make split second decisions for survival. It's a mechanism for picking the easiest way out of a situation - the one that costs the least energy. Psychology is just applied biology after all.

In most cases flight is the simplest solution. People are inherently lazy and like running away from their problems. Fighting takes far more effort and carries the risk of losing. It hurts to lose, but as you grow up, you learn from your mistakes, and get better at picking your battles to maximise your chances of winning.

Ancient warfare favoured the brutes - it was simpler to take food, land, and people by force. Then as civilisation advanced, war began to favour the side with superior technology and tactics. Eventually empires expanded to clash with other empires, and suddenly there was a whole new world of things to fight about like: resources, race, religion, and revenge. Frankly, not much has changed since then, these factors continue to fuel conflicts to this very day...

~~~
Beer #6 was the beginning of the end.

I was feeling bloated and pretty queasy. In Australia six cans is 2.25L of fluid - roughly the size of the average stomach. I'm not a big dude, and definitely succumb to the genetic condition known as Asian Flush. But honestly it's a blessing: I had enough experience to know how my night would unfold beyond that point. I made a sneaky play for the bathroom to perform a tactical vom.

The others did not have this kind of foresight. Soon one of the girls began to cry, setting off a chain-reaction. I followed the sound of wailing banshees to find they had raided the liquor cabinet and were now drowning their sorrows straight from the bottle.

To make matters worse the boys started throwing up in every corner of the house. The toilets were occupied by bowl huggers, so people headed for the garden. Not everyone made it. It was only much later that I found out the wizards had been making 'potions' out of whatever gross stuff they could find in the kitchen. Everything around me was an absolute mess.

What goes in must come out...

And

CHAOS REIGNS SUPREME!

I wish the story could end on this punchline if everyone just went to bed and woke up fine the next day. On second thought it wouldn't be very interesting and might come off as romanticising binge drinking. I'm embarrassed to admit I felt a strange sense of pride as I walked through the pandemonium. It was exactly like all those parties I had seen on TV.

But as my eyes danced around the room I noticed a girl was missing. Piecing together several incoherent responses I surmised they had sent her to sleep it off. Then I began to wonder: where was the gatecrasher? Again, noone knew for sure, but there were whispers of him heading towards the bedrooms amid the chaos...

I ran the scenarios through my head. Surely this was not happening. In a frenzy of denial I checked every other room, each empty one adding to my anxiety. Eventually there was only one place he could be. I finally had to face the problem I'd been ignoring all night long.

The gatecrasher was baby-faced, pale, and skinny; an insecure loner. The girl was arty, bubbly, and popular; and I knew she could party way harder than me. No wonder why he avoided all the boys. No wonder why he was pouring all the shots. My heart was racing a mile a minute. I had watched enough teen dramas to know what happens next isn't Sleeping Beauty and Prince Charming...

Then I opened the door.

~~~
People like being right. People like to think they are right because the alternative is being wrong. Righteousness saves you from dealing with the pain of losing - wasting time and energy to pick up the pieces and start over. Prejudice is righteousness compressed into a little pill that saves you from having to think for yourself. It's a shortcut answer to the fight or flight problem, for when the solution isn't crystal clear. Sociology is just applied psychology after all.

This is why stereotypes propagate. A broad stroke assumption [that may or may not have valid basis], is used in place of rational thought. Who cares if the assumption is wrong? It's far easier to accept a stereotype at face value than it is to actually investigate. And hey if you're disproved then just blame the stereotype! It's a win-win right? Sadly, this is the root of the problem. By being so much harder to refute than accept, stereotypes endure...

He loomed like a spectre over the unconscious girl, his bony arms turning her to face him. He didn't seem to notice me, continuing to utter something under his breath. I flicked the lightswitch; banishing the darkness as I commanded him to stop! He stared right into my eyes; frozen in abject terror, he begged:

"Please help her! For the sake of the Lord!"

Aghast with confusion, I suddenly knew I had it so terribly wrong. He wasn't preying on her; he was praying for her. He held her in the recovery position as she began to vomit in her sleep, making sure that she could breathe. I scrambled to grab a bucket and a towel then pulled up a seat beside him.

Time flew by as we stood guard, watching her slip in and out of consciousness. And for the first time ever, he and I had an actual conversation. Despite all of our differences he was willing to open up; I could tell he just wanted to be heard.

I am not a pious man. He had a devout upbringing. For me drinking was fun. He grew up in an alcoholic's household. I never even noticed that he was completely sober; playing bartender at parties just to fit in, to help others pace themselves. There was a subtle, reserved, effeminate nature to his mannerisms. I supposed that's why he liked hanging out around women; perhaps he would have grown up happier in another life.

I felt a great deal of shame knowing how I had thrust my prejudices on him. Am I the villain in my own story? I shudder at the thought of what might have transpired had he not been there that night. A stranger came to my town and took me on an emotional journey; he showed me how simply lending an ear goes a very, very long way.

~~~
The letter of the law attempts to draw the line between moral and amoral behaviour. Law is just applied sociology [and economics, and ethics, and philosophy too], after all. Without it we would descend into anarchy [see: chaos reigns supreme].

A court of law is the battleground for when that line gets blurry. Lawyers appeal to a judge and jury to be crowned as morally right. Now consider the global issues that we face today. Who holds the authority to pass judgement? What if every person on earth were to sit on the jury? What laws would apply, and how could they even be enforced?

In theory, the first lawyer of thermodynamics would argue that only the laws of physics are relevant. The universal solution to any problem is the one that i. requires the least amount of energy, whilst ii. causing the least amount of chaos. This is impossible to refute because it is impossible to measure, but one can use their imagination :)

In practice, the first lawyer of thermodynamics is simply the voice inside my head. My conscience. My moral compass. My guiding light. It's what compels me to be curious, to look deeper, and to not take things for granted.

If you made it this far I hope you found a way to be a better person. I wish I could ask everyone to just stop and think more, but I know that's a bit too much. So carry on, and maybe keep in mind that there is always more beneath the surface.